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Hollow Days

I told myself that after the insanity of the last couple of days, I'd take a leaf out of Hotblack Desatio's book and spend the day dead for tax reasons. Waking up to a digital clock running backwards ("Wait, last time I looked it said 12:53 and now it says 12:45"), more bleary tiredness than anything I can work with. Out, for a lacklustre breakfast and a chance to see daylight. Not having a window is fucking with my circadians harder than any social life can. Back inside, spending an hour reading Barbelith with nothing sticking, every word ringing hollow and pointless. Dicking around through old online haunts, but there's none of the same community, none of the same wow. I left all of them behind two years ago, when living at home with a day job conspired to eat my life.

horza's just woken up and told me that Hertfordshire has exploded.

I've had days like this before. Lazy days with nothing happening in life. Plenty of them at university, waking up when the day was already dying and skinning up as night fell, doing nothing with my life. Up, laze around, watch TV, get online, get stoned or drunk, sleep. I could afford them then. I can't now. I have too much to do, both online and off. I would say I don't have the luxury, but it isn't a luxury to waste time like that. It's a crime. I have to kick myself into thinking, because just having people around isn't enough for me to brainstorm. I refuse to burn what time I have on doing nothing. If I relax, I accomplish something when doing so — even if that is just talking for a day with someone. If I set out to do something, it's the doing that matters. If I do nothing, nothing at all, I've nobody but myself to blame.

I can do nothing when I die. Before then I have more than enough to take up my time. Just got to force myself to keep on running. I don't want to see what happens when I stop.

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morland
Dec. 12th, 2005 12:59 pm (UTC)
I left all of them behind two years ago, when living at home with a day job conspired to eat my life.


I know what you mean. When the reset button was hit, everything went tits up real quick.

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