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Mornings. I never could get the hang of mornings. Especially not this one. My circadians are still fucked. Going back to work the day after Leap Forward Day after a week off. Of course, my time off meant I retreated to my "natural" cycle-- GMT-5, Eastern Standard Time. Up at 12, sleep someime between 4 and 5. Takes a single night of mild caffeine and mental stimulation to get my body in tune with my circadians which *know* that this is the timeframe I work best in.

I've been that way ever since screwing everything over during my first year at university, pulling 32 and 48 hour periods of wakefulness whenever I felt like it. I didn't actually ground to EST until the latter half of my second year, when I had good reason (coaldustcanary, but also zombie_moogle and many others). Once I had, the stability was good for me. Of course, my morning lectures were fucked, but I still passed just fine.

My first taste of circadian crash and living at a harsh time-shift was Germany. Central European Standard Time, GMT+1. Starting work at 8, with an hour's journey to get there. And my brain refusing to shift from GMT-5. I learned. Red Bull on the way to work. Black coffee throughout the day from our own machine. Dead by the end of my voluntary 11 hour day (building up the time in lieu to sleep in late Thursday/Friday and leave early Friday to beat the worst of the sleepdep). Back at the flat I was awake by the time I got back, getting online and plugging in to my real world. My real time-zone. I still had to crash way too early to get just five hours sleep, but I adapted and it was, if not good then certainly bearable.

I'm on GMT+1 now. Summertime summer-time. Of course, coaldustcanary is still on -5. One of those places in the States which doesn't have a summer shift. Which is hard. The summer months are back like all the time in Germany, shifted by an hour too much. Takes time for me to adapt. Just the extra hour is hard enough, but coming back from -5 to +1 all at once is a fucker of a shift. Six hours without a clutch. Waking up around midday, going to bed at 8pm. Doesn't work. Circadians need time to shift and now all I can do is mollify them with caffeine and energy drinks. Which feels right, in some perverse way. I doubt I could ever feel right when adjusted to the routine GMT+0 or +1 requires. It doesn't feel right to try to sleep before two in the morning, no matter how often I have to do it.

Back to Germany. When I was there I could snap back to EST any time. Every Friday and Saturday night was the obvious one. Awake while at least 5am local time. I felt more awake, more alive during those extra hours than I ever did when attending work or wasting life away during the odd off-day I had in the flat. Like now. Late nights when I don't have to be awake, snapping back to base. I don't think I'll ever change, until the time difference between me and my peer-group, my tribe, is changed again.

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