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So, I've just been in a reasonably civil discourse with a right-wing Christian (nor fundie, as far as I know, but definitely a candiadte for Bush-loving Asshole of the Month). And I do mean civil. I retracted all the times I called him a fuckhead and everything in favour of batting points around.

I didn't think it was possible for the right to generate people who were willing to debate, I thought they all ended up either centrist (Libertarian, in American terms -- hi, amokk!!) or generally taking the same stance as anyone too far out on the political spectrum (self included) of disparaging both non-extreme left and right equally (jackslack, I'm looking at you). I must admit to being impressed.

In other news, I finally went to a psychiatric evaluation, with regards to what happened at the start of May and the mental fallout from that. Yes, I am discussing my mental state in a public post. I'm officially not a danger to others and not putting myself in immediate danger either. Logical progression is antidepressants and counselling.There were some aspects glossed over -- the only seemed to be checking for direcly harmful mental disorders like paranoia, delusions, schitzophrenia, and the like, not personality disorders which lie below the surface like borderline personality disorder or disassociative personalioty disorder. When/if counselling starts it's likely that such things will come into the open if present.

The other thing that struck me is how hard it is to relate to someone normal now. Not just since the breakdown but in general. If someone doesn't understand memes or the basics of a singularity it's hard to explain things in a way which indicates that I realise such things as possibility that is currently only fictional (if only because it's likely that if I did admit to believing in the singularity I would likely be classified as being unable to distinguist fantasy from reality). In fact, that's the big thing, being a writer. I have big ideas. I can tell fantasy from reality, but to write I have to believe what I am writing. The fantasy/reality divide is not as clean as lots of people (including me right now) would want.

It's hard to describe exactly what's going on to people who don't know what a meme is. Harder is trying to convey that my brain works better, comes up with better ideas, when running on a non-local timezone. I can't explain such things to normal people without a lot of work and quite possibly a lot of cross-purposes at which point I appear to be delusionally insane.

I have t say, today is one of the sanest I have been. Typical, really. I go to see the psych and I end up feeling bad for claiming to be nuts when there are people who are neglected who fuck themselves up worse than I did. Of course, when another state comes on and I end up focing myself not to leave the house I won't think like that, but then wasn't this afternoon.

I'm having a harder and harder time covering this from people at work. Nobody suspects anything major, but there's rumblings in the office. I need to move jobs, and preferabl cities.


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Jun. 9th, 2004 04:42 pm (UTC)
I'm getting ready to start seeing a counselor/ psychiatrist myself, and scarily enough, for some of the same reasons. I've definitely gotten into a phase right now where I find it incredibly hard to relate to people anymore, and it's gotten a lot worse in the last month or two... I think, out of my entire crowd of family, friends, and coworkers, I've got about one person (an ex I dated for three years) who actually understands what's going on with me... everyone else just thinks I'm being lazy/ antisocial/ angry for no reason.

Of course, there's more to it than that, or else I would just be giving myself a hard slap (and not a trip to the shrink)... the hard-to-associate thing you mentioned just really struck a chord with me.

If you want, we can bounce some story ideas off of eachother, possibly edit eachother's shit... I haven't done a lot of writing lately, but I have a metric shitload [1] that needs to get put down soon before I lose it. Just let me know if you're interested.

jon/ apocalypse survivor/ t0tem7

[1] 2.34x a standard American shitload.
Jun. 10th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)
for some of the same reasons.

You, like many readers, have the facts wrong.

I am not seeing a counsellor because of inability to relate to or communicate with others. I have other reasons.

Seeing a counsellor drove it home to me how hard it is to translate things out of my head and into the real world without sounding mad. This is not any part of the reason why I saw said counsellor, nor is it likely to become so until more pressing issues are worked through. I think about NP-complete problems, memetics, tribalism, non-physical networking, uploading, transhumanism, anarchy, weaponised entropy, Dyson spheres, panopticon singularities and the like. Translating this into the frame of reference of someone who not only leads a mundane life but who deals with people who are delusional or schitzophrenic is a non-trivial task. It is not something I want to alter (save by educating oher people).
Jun. 13th, 2004 08:01 pm (UTC)
I probably explained that wrong.

My soon-to-be-happening counselor/ psychiatrist visits aren't just because of the problems I'm having relating to people... that just happens to be a side-effect of the issues I'm having with depression, something that's obviously hitting you to. It also has to do with the fact that my ADD has gotten out of control (again), and this makes me an idea-generating madman who doesn't get any real work (ie, job, school) done. I think until I get a headache, and then I sit and try to explain it to people ("Native American religion in comparison to sub-atomic physics!" "Dealing with sociological phenomenon with psychological concepts!" "The meaning of life through Jon's own existentialist logic!") and I get the weirdest fucking looks from about everybody.

This a)furthers depression, as I have a lot of trouble being a "regular social person", b)compounds my ADD, as me sitting around/ working by myself makes the whole idea generation thing worse, and c)depresses me even more, as my mind comes up with all this shit that basically makes me look around at all the logical fallacies of our culture and our mindset, and at all the worthless crap people fill their lives with, and how I'm at the level where I'm cognizant of this stuff but not a revolutionary by any stretch of the word, and thus still a victim of four thousand years of culture that balances out what information it lacks from common sense with "Because I said so!".

So I'm definitely not going to talk to someone about being antisocial, since I'm at a point where that's not a major issue with me (other than the fact that I can't bounce my ideas off of people, and being totally alone for most of the day just sucks)... I'm going because the combined relapse to major depression/ relapse to barely-controllable ADD is starting to affect the stuff I know I need to get done in life (school, work).

That's probably a shitload more than you ever wanted to know about me, but I thought I'd give the whole "relating to others" thing a shot.

And again, if you feel like bouncing ideas off of eachother, I'm all for it. I'm sure we think in entirely different schools, but at the very least it'll be entertaining.

Jun. 9th, 2004 07:26 pm (UTC)
>>The other thing that struck me is how hard it is to relate to someone normal now.<<

I often have that problem too. There are things in my past, things that I've done or been through, that I don't feel I can talk to anyone about. Glenn's the closest I come to having a complete understanding, if only because he's been by my side through damned near everything, but even he hasn't walked in my shoes and there are places in my head that I can't describe to even him. And it sucks. Sometimes I just want to put it out there, to bend my knack for language to describing it all. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what I'll let lose on everyone if I do.

So I settle for opening up as much as I can, and I realize -- rather greatfully -- that even though the vast majority of the world will never know me, at least I have some truly spectacular friends who catch glimpses of me when I'm given to shine.
Jun. 10th, 2004 12:50 pm (UTC)
We had an awesome chat about this at the weekend, didn't we? The wisdom we both spouted has stuck with me quite nicely.

Go us.

And yes, you do need to move cities. Liverpool, then Edinburgh. Gaming, Rocking and Drinking aplenty.
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