Digital Raven (digitalraven) wrote,
Digital Raven

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Can we get the other three horsemen, please?

So, I've just been in a reasonably civil discourse with a right-wing Christian (nor fundie, as far as I know, but definitely a candiadte for Bush-loving Asshole of the Month). And I do mean civil. I retracted all the times I called him a fuckhead and everything in favour of batting points around.

I didn't think it was possible for the right to generate people who were willing to debate, I thought they all ended up either centrist (Libertarian, in American terms -- hi, amokk!!) or generally taking the same stance as anyone too far out on the political spectrum (self included) of disparaging both non-extreme left and right equally (jackslack, I'm looking at you). I must admit to being impressed.

In other news, I finally went to a psychiatric evaluation, with regards to what happened at the start of May and the mental fallout from that. Yes, I am discussing my mental state in a public post. I'm officially not a danger to others and not putting myself in immediate danger either. Logical progression is antidepressants and counselling.There were some aspects glossed over -- the only seemed to be checking for direcly harmful mental disorders like paranoia, delusions, schitzophrenia, and the like, not personality disorders which lie below the surface like borderline personality disorder or disassociative personalioty disorder. When/if counselling starts it's likely that such things will come into the open if present.

The other thing that struck me is how hard it is to relate to someone normal now. Not just since the breakdown but in general. If someone doesn't understand memes or the basics of a singularity it's hard to explain things in a way which indicates that I realise such things as possibility that is currently only fictional (if only because it's likely that if I did admit to believing in the singularity I would likely be classified as being unable to distinguist fantasy from reality). In fact, that's the big thing, being a writer. I have big ideas. I can tell fantasy from reality, but to write I have to believe what I am writing. The fantasy/reality divide is not as clean as lots of people (including me right now) would want.

It's hard to describe exactly what's going on to people who don't know what a meme is. Harder is trying to convey that my brain works better, comes up with better ideas, when running on a non-local timezone. I can't explain such things to normal people without a lot of work and quite possibly a lot of cross-purposes at which point I appear to be delusionally insane.

I have t say, today is one of the sanest I have been. Typical, really. I go to see the psych and I end up feeling bad for claiming to be nuts when there are people who are neglected who fuck themselves up worse than I did. Of course, when another state comes on and I end up focing myself not to leave the house I won't think like that, but then wasn't this afternoon.

I'm having a harder and harder time covering this from people at work. Nobody suspects anything major, but there's rumblings in the office. I need to move jobs, and preferabl cities.

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