I want to stop reinventing myself. I want to be myself without myself being a composite rip-off of other people.
I am, and I know it. My attitude is equal parts Dennis Leary and the combined might of the Scary Devil Monastery. My modernist/futurist leanings aren't because of any ideas in my head, just things I read in work by Warren Ellis and Grant Morrison and steal and say again to people that haven't read it so that it seems new and I seem a lot cooler and my thoughts more slanted towards the new than they are. My project for university is all stolen from Neal Stephenson. My dress sense is Yet Another Societal Cliche. Long hair because I can't be bothered to cut it and the Highlander TV series had style in my eyes. My online posts are so obviously ripping off Warren Ellis it's not funny. Even my work is derivative. Option X thrust a specific style of comic book that has been out there for almost five years and put it into prose. Nothing original, just another take on something that's old hat by now. Even my first main roleplaying work is derivative of a lot of other ideas with nothing new that I've created.
My personality is adaptive. I'm pretty sure I'm borderline, which explains a lot. I can fit in anywhere and do so without thinking about it. I'm a strange type. I need to be recognised, to have what I'm doing recognised, so I don't do what I would do but what the group's perception of the entity that is "me" would do. I play to expectation, I always have. It helps me be noticed. I don't need to be loved, but I need to be noticed. I need to fool myself into thinking I'm popular. I want to have the delusion that I can create and that what I can create will have an impact.
And let's face it, that's bollocks. This thing has maybe 20 readers. Enemy Territory goes to perhaps 4 or 5 people that read it any more and nobody else cares enough to read what I write. I can't create anything new, so people don't give a toss. I need to find a spark that will let me come up with something new, and I need to find a way to propagate that to more than the same 20 people that read everything else I do.
I'm thinking this kind of thing on my first full day back at university. It's weird. It's the first time I wasn't hit by relief at being awake from some form of worrying dream I couldn't remember in a fair while. Lunch was a couple of packs of Ramen and I'm sat now with a plate of mock-Black Bean chicken as it was the only thing left in the freezer. I'm two cans in to a four-pack of Red Bull as I'm trying not to overdose on Dr Pepper but need a hit of caffeine. I'm trying to reinvent myself based on what I want myself to be rather than what others want me to be, to someone that can have ideas that are new, and I'm not even drunk.
Why am I thinking like this? Why am I bothering to show it to the world? I don't know. But I can't think of a good reason not to, and sometimes that's the best excuse.