May 4th, 2003


(no subject)

So yeah. Yesterday was breakdown day. The stress of having so much to do finally got to me and I ended up crying curled up in a chair for half an hour after writing that last entry. I ended up phoning home and getting reassurance and an idea of what to do this week from them. It's just hard, being borderline and having to lock myself away from all contact for the most of each day. Doubly so with Kris not being back while late tomorrow. It's hard for me, coming away from work and having nobody to talk to. I'll survive, hopefully.

I got a shade over 6000 words written today and I'm about halfway through my research section. Finish that tomorrow and I should get the Analysis at least halfway done. Fuck getting the programs to work. I can look at that some time when I'm not crazy.

I'm having to modulate what I listen to. I know how bad some music can get to me, unfortunately this music (Radiohead, Ocean Colour Scene and the like) is the stuff I work best to. I've thus dug out the musicals, but even so I'm burning through music fast. I may have to dig back through the collected crap I have kicking around on my hard drive. Working on a computer that has working sound is rather strange, it must be said.

I'm cherishing the moments I spend not working now. Went to town before I started work, and the people I saw... It was weird. I hate being shut in like this. I need people around other than just Steve and John. I need... I need to feel like this again.

As soon as I finish this writeup, I'm starting writing again hardcore, letting out all of the anxiety and all of the stress and all of the bullshit I've been through in the only way I can. I cannot keep all of this crap bottled up like this much longer. I need a release.
  • Current Music
    Chess - The Deal (No Deal)

(no subject)

Right now, sheer, mindless stubbornness and a wish not to waste four years of my life -- especially not the crap I went through in Germany -- is keeping me going and away from another breakdown. That and knowing that I have good friends I can call on if I need to. Thank, Paul and Chris. I'm at 12,000 words, that's over halfway now. By Tuesday I should have everything done. I'm not taxing myself, and am making sure to work during the day and relax one I've got the 6K done.

That and Stoli are keeping me going. As I say, once I finish this, I will write. I hate a full quarter hour today when I honestly wondered what would have happened if anything had sparked up between me and Becky. What if things had gone another way and I'd ended up with Nicky, staying in Germany... this is the kind of hollow feeling I can write about. I know that the situation I'm in right now is the best possible one that I could be in. But even so, I can;t help having those nights when I pine for the way things were, the way things could have been. Expect to see a lot of free fiction on here or on my site when this is over with. As Warren Ellis says, "Write what you know" and I know short, sharp moments that tug at the bottom of the heart and strange mad ideas that shouldn;t make any sense but work all the same.

I need to write, creatively rather than this logical crap. There's only so much of that I can take.
  • Current Music
    Smash Mouth - Walking On The Sun