February 22nd, 2005



Keeping secrets is addictive.

I first found this out a while ago. There was something I wanted to reveal, but not until I myself believed it. After too much stress, it became harder for me to believe it. Using indirection and just plain avoiding the subject got to be the norm.

There's been lots of things in my life that are like that over the past year. Some of it is my fear of quantum decision theory ruining everything because the outcome isn't certain in my head. Some is because, even with fixed outcomes, the circumstances of those outcomes can change and I'd rather they weren't fucked up. And some is just me getting used to keeping secrets, even from close friends.

It's a filth habit, keeping secrets. It's like lying, but lately I've been having less and less reason to do so. I've prided myself on being an honest man who happens to be a good liar[0], but recently all this cloak and dagger bullshit is making me wonder about that.

It won't be all at once, but some of the things I've been being cryptic about will resolve themselves in the next week. So I'm going to cut loose some of these secrets hanging over my head, for my own mental stability[1] if nothing else.

[0]: I don't lie if I can help it. If I can't help it, I'm usually good at it. If I can help it and lie anyway, I'm usually bad at it.
[1]: Such that it is.