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Decompression

I'm not through the door five minutes before I want to leave again. Sitting down to a reheated chicken breast with rubbery pasta, the water long since driven out of the sauce by microwave magic. My handprints are shown in stark relief by the accumulation of grime and cigarette ash that I haven't had chance to wash off yet. Signs that I was there that burn through the fuzz already occluding some of the memories.

My body aches. It sends electric shivers up my spinal column as I stand in the shower, biochemical processes in my muscles screaming "SLEEP" as loud as they can. I concentrate on cleaning my hands and block the feeling out. I can't sleep, not yet. It'd fuck with my internal programming. I can be either here or there, back and in business or away and out of the loop. I can't sleep without being in one of those states. That, along with my greasy hair, is why I'm stood in the shower listening to my body complaining about fatigue poisons and then telling it to sod off. I have too much to do.

The office-library-workspace smells of someone else's sweat. My brother, no doubt. He's got a big new chair up here, a mass of gas pumps and adjustable knobs and leather. Posh and comfortable both. I do believe he's above wanking up here, but not by much. I light a cone and hope it'll mask the smell. E-mail is painful. The junk filter nearly shits itself when it sees the amount of crap it has to deal with. Worse, someone's found my blog and is trying to comment-bomb it. Fortunately, my filters stop them. Unfortunately, I still have to manually delete all of them. Time to fix that.

My mind wants to run at high speed but my body won't let it. Fingers strike keys out of sequence, giving the typo demon a fat crop of sacrifices tonight. It's been seven and a half hours since I last smoked. No ashtray in here because I can't smoke. There's no amount of incense or anything else that would clear the air. I need to quit soon, but not just yet. Instead, I head downstairs.The moon's not out and there's no cloud cover. Everything's cast in the light from bright stars and the occasional third-hand reflection of streetlights. It's dark and quiet, a stark change from the nights that have gone before. The biggest reminder that I'm back. It hits me square in the stomach and I want to drink but I know that is a very dangerous plan without physical people around. I abstain. I also avoid putting the coffee machine on. All I have is strong Java with extra caffeine and that would kill my stomach. So I'm back to me and my thoughts. Might as well try to put some of them in order.
Writing
  • I'm beginning to wonder if I have a real style yet, or if I'm just copying stylistic touches of the genres I find myself working in. This is entirely artistic wankery.
  • I need to learn how to write long fiction. innocent_man posted recently about his problems fitting anything into the length of a game-book's introductory fiction (usually a 3K limit). For me, 3K is long. Likely this spins back to getting my pacing and storytelling more from comics etc. Hence, I need to learn a whole new craft.
  • I find myself stumped for anything to use as a writing sample for Mage: The Awakening. Suggestions would be appreciated.

Sciences
  • I'm so far out of the computing/maths learning loop it's untrue. A Stafford computing degree is aimed at getting employable skills more than learning theory and the theory that is taught is often done so in a deliberately boredom-inducing way. Reading Mathworld is all well and good but things have got to the point that I don't understand some of the explanations and this troubles me.
  • Something that will be useful for a macguffin: In a nuclear weapon, information is destroyed with the energy release, right?
  • I need to improve my knowledge of quantum physics. Suggestions of good places to start for someone who has regressed far enough to only use it for technobabble and macguffins would be good.

Situation
  • This damn computer needs an upgrade. The Debian install is too cluttered and close to losing space, while not having enough of what i need. The hardware needs upgrading for purposes of gaming, a field I've discussed relatively recently and which counts at least partially as research.
  • Being outside of education may be is making me stupid. This is really rather annoying, considering I'm supposed to be at least part mathematician and I can't remember what eigenvectors and eigenvalues are beyond "something to do with matricies". One of the benefits of education is that one is supposed to be learning things and thus there is easy access to facilitate that. Or at least, easier access than exists in the workaday idiot farm.


Some of these are mere observations, others are as close as I get to arbitrary incrementation of invented junk calendar system resolutions.

Comments

( 4 informants — We want information! )
dj_rabid_angel
Jan. 6th, 2005 10:20 pm (UTC)
The idea that someone might wack off to pr0n in my room is what made me lay down the law about no one being up here without my consent. Seeing as Moses and Glenn's little brother would be the only ones to do so and seeing as I have no sexual interest in either of them, the webcam motion sensor/recorder idea is a wash.
digitalraven
Jan. 8th, 2005 07:45 pm (UTC)
Indeed so.

Do you still bother with IM's of any kind?
dj_rabid_angel
Jan. 9th, 2005 02:55 am (UTC)
I haven't had the time as of late and especially so around the holidays. I'm thinking I might be on MSN next weekend though, after the college crew goes back to school. I've been ridiculously social since everyone came back for break and I'm probably gonna go through withdrawals...
(Deleted comment)
digitalraven
Jan. 8th, 2005 07:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Education
I figure I can just keep firing new stuff in and some of it will stick. Dance around Wikipedia and Mathworld for a while, read some of the very basic outlines of the ramifications of the Turing-Church thesis (rendering an NP-complete problem into a P-complete)....

It's not so much that I want to remember everything. There was a lot of bollocks. But I want to remember the cool bits that I can actually use. Been too long since I touched a vector.

Replying to your mail later.
( 4 informants — We want information! )

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