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Filthy Assistants

It's twenty past four on a Sunday morning. So it's nearly-bedtime on Saturday night by my installed timezone. Some fool just suggested that he watch the new Doctor Who for the first time and I had to berate him for not having downloaded it before now. It's a thing of mine.

So. Anyway. I have come to a realisation. I am sexier than Buddah and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.

What I can do is forget things, and generally be an arse at random points in time. Hence, I am accepting applicants for the psot of assistant. Two vacancies total. I've lowered the qualifications to "female" and "insane enough to want the job".

Any takers? Your primary duties would be to assist me when drunk, put up with vitriolic rants and random shouting, and remember things for me. Inspiring ideas is a bonus. Being able to stop me being an arse (by application of blunt object to head) is a bonus as well. Helping me carry out killing sprees and random acts of senseless violence is mandatory.

Yes, I might have had something to drink right before posting this. So what?

Apply by leaving a comment. Successful ones will be informed when I awaken from the sleep of the Damned. Sometime on Thursday, probably.

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Comments

( 26 informants — We want information! )
(Deleted comment)
digitalraven
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
All depends how inspired this icon ends up being.
nickys
Aug. 7th, 2005 12:20 pm (UTC)
Well, I could volunteer to forget your appointments for you (thereby saving you the trouble of forgetting them yourself). It's a particular skill of mine. :-)
digitalraven
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
It's an interesting skill. I can only wonder at it's usefulness in the field, though.
nickys
Aug. 8th, 2005 07:56 am (UTC)
Well, when combined with my other great talent (that of looking cute while appologising for lateness and forgetfulness) it covers a multitude of sins...

... and if you get people used enough to your unreliability then you have a built in alibi for any given situation...
digitalraven
Aug. 8th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
Theoretically, they already know what to expect of me. Unfortunately, this evil plan of yours appears not to work for me, as people still expect me to remember things, especially things that they tell me when I happen to be drunk. The fools!
nickys
Aug. 9th, 2005 03:57 am (UTC)
Possibly you aren't fluttering your eyelashes correctly...? :-)
digitalraven
Aug. 9th, 2005 07:03 am (UTC)
From what I recall, I can't. Eyelash-fluttering can't be done byanyone with a Y chromosome.
nickys
Aug. 9th, 2005 01:37 pm (UTC)
You should see original_aj when he's forgotten that it's his turn to wash up... :-)

... or maybe not. There are some things that man was not meant to know...
leila_child
Aug. 7th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
If you'll provide me wik a diary I should be able to manage. If you would be willing to hench for me on occasion...
digitalraven
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:18 pm (UTC)
What, I have to hench for one of my assistants? What do I get out of that deal, I wonder?
stormys
Aug. 7th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
10k a year and pay for the breast implants, and I'm yours.
digitalraven
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:19 pm (UTC)
I knew I could rely on someone.
brain_hurts
Aug. 7th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
You've also beeen reading Transmet again.

joexnz
Aug. 7th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
I have someone to nag, and a seperate full time job. Are there other perks that would cause me to consider this offer???
digitalraven
Aug. 7th, 2005 11:19 pm (UTC)
Drugs. Alcohol. Possible toppling of an empire or an entire way of thinking.

The usual perks for working with me.
joexnz
Aug. 8th, 2005 03:14 am (UTC)
may have escaped your notice, but these are hardly compatible perks. not really doing drugs, drinking nowhere enough and livving quite happily under current regime. I'm thinking this isn't really the position I am looking for. besides me and angus have far to much fun on a wednesday watching it slowly filter back to you.
digitalraven
Aug. 8th, 2005 12:26 pm (UTC)
Good point. Hrm. Having sanction to laugh at me when drunk? Oops, you get that anyway. I will think on it. I'm sure I can find some benefits.
joexnz
Aug. 8th, 2005 07:15 pm (UTC)
i'm sure i could. . . ahem!!, never mind ;)
digitalraven
Aug. 8th, 2005 11:07 pm (UTC)
I believe the traditional response is along the lines of:

"Moo hoo ha ha ha!"
joexnz
Aug. 9th, 2005 02:37 am (UTC)
ah yes but on whose part. things could take a slightly sinister tone if i was doing it first. as your assistant i would have great of power in getting you to do stuf when i wanted. okay you as a lap dog, might be a possible perk, heheheheh!, oh wait, moo hahahahah!!
digitalraven
Aug. 9th, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
Told you there'd be something.
joexnz
Aug. 9th, 2005 02:33 pm (UTC)
I believe the correct response to that is 'the power, the power'. now as we all have quoted to us with monotonous regularity (when not quoting it to others), power corrupts. The corruption of a filthy assistant, would be, well, filthy and assisted. now i know how the more uglier recess's of my mind like to try and work. Filthy assistance from me on a power trip, frankly, i don't think you'd have experience (or indeed leather strapping) to cope. So upon mature consideration and contemplation of the perks, I think I may have to pass. Purely for your benefit ;)
digitalraven
Aug. 10th, 2005 11:13 pm (UTC)
It would probably be wrong of me to say "You never know." Probably, but I just can't be sure.
joexnz
Aug. 8th, 2005 03:16 am (UTC)
however, in leiu of a birthday present I will(I try to) remember to organise your mothers birthday for you.
daedalus668
Aug. 8th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
You with filthy assistants scares me. But, it has to be said, in a somewhat entertaining fashion. Just be sure to regale us of your exploits, plans and whatnot.

And shoot Bliar with a bowel disruptor. Please.

/Simon
digitalraven
Aug. 8th, 2005 11:00 pm (UTC)
I can well imagine it being somewhat scary (sure worries me). But worry not, part of the task of the Filthy Assistant is to remind me of what I have done when in too much of an ASC to remember it, that I may regale the world with my tales of insane genius.

And too fucking right I will. That's what bowel disruptors were made for.
( 26 informants — We want information! )

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