Digital Raven (digitalraven) wrote,
Digital Raven

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And now it hits me

Sat here, watching Spaced, it's hit me. I go hand my dissertation to the university tomorrow. Once that's done, my year's over. I've *finished*. Give or take exams, of course, but the dissertation's finished. All that I've worked on for so long is done, gone, over with. Nothing more to do. No more stress from it, no more tinkering with code at odd hours, no more trying to avoid doing the documentation... no more.

And, fuck. It's a weird feeling. It coincides with the end of lectures, of course. So effectively my time learning formally is over. Unless I decided to go for a masters, but I've got one problem there: I couldn't afford it if I tried. Maybe in a couple of years, when I know what I'm doing with my life, but right now there's too many variables. Fuck, I'd go back do a PGCE, start teaching computing or mathematics at a college or a sixth form or something but I can't even afford that. So obviously, it's out into the wide world.

Which is a bit crap, really. I'm built to learn. I'm built to find out new things, to process new information and to come to new conclusions, to have new ideas. I've not found a job I could go for which rewards that outside of education.

But even so, that's still speculation. Right now there's just this weird sense of trepidation and hollowness and confusion about the future being now. It's going to be different, but what the hell. The future is going to be good.

It has to be, it's the future.

I have a sudden wish to do some meta/posthuman stuff with the protagonist as a student. I have a feeling that's too much just some wish to write myself as I wish I was, and that's nothing short of masturbation so I ain't going to. Normally, I only write about myself in the way that I'm writing about feelings and sensations that I know.

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