If you're one of these people that cringes at blatant overuse of the word "fuck", bugger off right now. You were warned, and no LJ-cut for you. I will not pander to your sense of moral objectionism. The gin and razorblades refuse to let me.
I swear I'm going to cut some fucker to shreds as soon as I an find someone. Fuck the police, fuck the law, sometimes the population of dumb bastards in the world just gets too much and a release is needed. Be they people defending other people being stupid and childish for apparently no other reason than that disagreeing with me is fun now I've curbed my edge of harshness in public fora, or stupid fucks who think their personal experience should speak for the world, despite the person their advising knowing considerably more than the idiot trying to be advisor in the first fucking place.
Quitting cigs has fucked me up. Sure, it's better for me (like I care about that...), it's easier on the bank account (the real reason), all that... but there's still something about it that even almost two months after smoking my last cigarette, I'm feeling like I need one. I won't cave, of course. Smoking now makes me feel rather shite the day afterwards. That, and I have no cigs. But I can't deny it's changed me. I've lost some of the manic energy I had, the stuff I needed to get the fuck through Germany without remembering "down, not across". I've settled into a form of bitter hollowness rather than striving for out and out hatred of just about everything, and this makes people think I have been declawed. There's still the burning, hideous need to lay down the most incredible hurt possible on the idiots, I just can't articulate it as well as I could when I smoked. I've lost my descriptive edge, the kind of thing that makes me think seriously of the applications of chainsaws and garden tools.
And what else pisses me off is when people say "You haven't changed, not really". Yes. Yes I fucking have and if you can't see that then you need a kick in the face, you pathetic waste of dingo kidneys. I have changed since I quit, I feel even more like I want to do horrible, violent things to the world when it buggers up. I cannot however articulate that feeling in a meaningful form that would aid with stress relief. More stress, less release. No fun for anyone, save the uneducated swine that provoke me.
Maybe if I resurrected my caffeine addiction in a more hardcore manner, say by injecting two pots of Java coffee into my veins per day until my blood is thick as sludge. It seemed to carry me through those odd days in the past. I'll have to see. But fuck, I hate feeling declawed.