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How Rude!

This is a rant. Yes, it's going to be offensive. Don't bother whinging in the comments unless you want more.

Apparently, I caused someone grave offense today. I walked past a person in the street even after he'd hailed me.

In my defence, fucko had a big, bright jacket and a clipboard. He was either a quizzer or a chugger. In other words, he was lucky I didn't do the human race a favour and shove him under a speeding bus.

Princes St. on a weekday night (I avoid it at other times like one avoids contracting the Ebola virus) is infested with drooling subhumans in bright jackets. Several are simply giving away the evening-edition of the Daily RecordFishwrap. They're easy enough to ignore, normally they're not in my field of view long enough to say "If I wanted that, I'd buy a fish supper."

On occasion, one will thrust a paper into one's chest. They prey on the instinct that makes people hold on to such things. These wee scrotes are the ones who should be pushed under a bus.Yes, it's messy. On the other hand it's fast, and from personal experience most Lothian Bus drivers would be glad of scoring the extra points.

More wield clipboards. Some of these are simply doing surveys. These quizzers claim that they're not as bad as chuggers and they're right, in the same way that genital herpes is generally not as bad as tertiary syphilis. Quizzers are the physical equivalent of cold-callers, though they're not as useful. You can't redirect them to twenty-quid-a-minute phone sex lines, for one. You can't hang up in the middle of a call, or turn their script on them, or any of the fun things. These people are advertisers and marketers, and should be treat as such. In the words of Bill Hicks: "Kill yourselves. Right now. Go on, kill yourselves. This isn't a joke, there is no punchline."

Given that the quizzers refuse to take personal responsibility, it's up to us to shuffle them off this mortal coil. The sensible way to deal with a quizzer is to kill it, mutilate the corpse, and post it where other quizzers can see it. Some of the more human ones may listen.

Chuggers are the worst. Shorthand for "Charity Muggers", these wastes of a human genome accost people in the street, trying to sign people up to make charity donations via Direct Debit. Normally, they suggest a fiver a month–you can afford a fiver a month, can't you?–and only later do you get pressuring phone calls demanding that you up your contribution. Cancellations aren't processed–a friend only stopped paying when she cancelled her bank account. Another suffered through six phone calls and was still receiving calls two years later, begging her to start donating again.

Chuggers are thieves, plain and simple. They're accepted thieves, working for "charities" that often need a quick firebombing to remind them that their donations are supposed to come from volunteers. That said, (to paraphrase Paul Tomblin), the PROPER way to handle chuggers is to smash the fucker's clipboard over his head, push him under a bus, then hire a hitman to kill his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his home into little bits. Anything more is just extremism.

Some people think I'm a violent, cynical, man. These people have never walked down a British high street, let alone Princes St. So, fuckwit in the street, just be glad I was in a hurry because I was hungry.


( 5 informants — We want information! )
Feb. 12th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
Can't say I disagree, seeing as I *don't*. At all.
It's all in the eyes, man. And the shoulders too. Do it right, they'll take one look at you and ... well, to quote a similar albeit brief discussion I had recently: "THERE IS NO EMPATHY HERE. YOU WILL NOT ASK ME FOR MONEY."

Feb. 13th, 2007 07:43 am (UTC)
Often the people in bibs have been conned into collecting money which they think is going to charity, but most ends up going through the third party who organises the bid handouts. I remember the Swellbellies offering this advice at a gig: "If one of those guys asks you for money, punch em in the face and say 'that's for your gaffer,' then hand them a tenner and say 'that's for the kids.'"
Feb. 13th, 2007 09:19 am (UTC)
Nope - the ones who are collecting actual cash are volunteers, and it all goes to the charity. The ones who want you to fill in a direct debit form are being paid (sometimes even on commission) and about a third of what they collect makes it through to the charity.

It's all a consequence of the National Lottery's pretending to be a form of charitable donation: people don't donate as much as they used to because they can get the same "it's for the chillllldrunnn" feel-good buzz from buying their lottery ticket. And when the Government cuts back on funding some projects because charity can take up the slack, and the lottery money is diverted to London for the Olympics (or the Dome), the charities find themselves really strapped for cash and end up falling for the spiels of the chugger gangmasters and their quasi-PFIs.
Feb. 13th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
Hmmm, didn't know there were still people collecting cash, or that the direct debit people were getting paid. I stand corrected.

ps. s/bid/bib/ in the above.
Feb. 13th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
Upon inspection the quizzers will usually turn out to be suggers (selling under the guise of research), and therefore in general more worthy of contempt than even the chuggers.

In general. However, one recent Monday morning there was a gang of chuggers distributed along Prince's street who had evidently been encouraged to use cheerfulness and enthusiasm as a means of eliciting donations. Thus pedestrians had to run a gauntlet of loons leaping at them, skipping, and talking in a kind of sing-song voice that even five year olds find condescending. On a Monday morning. Under those circumstances, even substantial collateral damage could readily be forgiven so long as the chugger was verifiably and irretrievably put beyond use.
( 5 informants — We want information! )



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