Digital Raven (digitalraven) wrote,
Digital Raven

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Something just hit me these past couple of days: I never talk much about my past, especially not my before-Uni past. In part this is because I much prefer looking forwards to looking back, but also in part it's because when I got to university I decided to reinvent myself. But sometimes it's worth seeing where one has come from to find out where one is going.

I don't have many really vivid memories of time before high school. That was the period I met Fez and Pajh for the first time (though Pajh swears he doesn't remember this) and worked out that yes, I am a damn site more intelligent than most people. Humility never was a strong suit. Back around this time, I was almost painfully the image of the selfish brat. The sibling rivalry was stil erupting into violence a lot of the time as well. I daren't analyse the reasons why, simply because looking back now I was the kind of kid I would happily kick the unholy shit out of now.

Secondary school I was... forgettably intelligent. Clever, but never the top makrs of the class. Approached by others for help when they needed it, but most times just recognised as "Oh, and Stew". I didn't even get picked last for any teams. In a way that was a blessing, as I wasn't one for the peer groups, but when the only time people stopped ignoring me was to jibe and insult things had to change. I just couldn't bring myself to change them so I tried to be ignored some more. Up to the GCSEs it worked.

That summer was the first time I was working, a supermarket job with people who treat me as equals. I realised that things could be better than they were at school for the first time. Unfortunately, going back to the 6th form I was surrounded by the same people. Fortunatekly, I was able to change a bit, but I hadn't grown. I was trying to be different for the sake of being different and that only drew more comments and insults[1]. Let me get this straight: nothing that would count as bullying. I never was driven to suicide or had my arm broken or wrist sprained. I was just in the wrong mental place for the time. Looking back at how I was I certainly don't blame the people for doing that, I was bordering on the totally obnoxious and crazy-weird if only to be different in my own mind and not boring.

I got out of the 6th with five A-levels (an A, two Cs and two Ds), much lower grades than I could have got simply because I was trying too hard at things that had no relevance whatsoever. That summer I ended up on holiday with my brother in the south of Spain, and I found out that I actually had some social skils (something I had never considered). By the time I got to university, I knew how I had to be and who I really was. It took me bloody long enough.

Unfortunately, things don't end there. The day before I got to university I hooked up with a girl who I ended up with for seven months. She was, to be blunt, rather crazy[2]. I did what I could to help, but in the end it was too much and I attempted to cut my wrists twice, out of a combination of stress from the relationship and late-blooming whiney-teen angst. Said angst carried on throughout the summer of the first year. Only in the second year did I finally realise that yes, I am the person I want to be and yes, I know who I am now. And indeed, I found the one person without whom I wouldn't be me.

There were a few more issues than what I've mentioned, but they ain't as important. That's my potted history.

[1]: You have no idea just how boring it can get to hear "Stew... PID!" several times a day over the course of two years
[2]: Though out of respect for her, she had a lot of good reasons.

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