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Wound down

Calmer after last night. Finally got some fucking curry inside me tonight. And rather than make me feel angry today has just got me in a WTF mood about myself. I think something will be needed if only to feel right again, get me sorted in my own head.

First thing, I've been chewed out (in a very informal, polite way) for the terribe crime of being bored at work. Or rather, how I used that time. Apparently I should have spent it looking through the system at work that I will be testing (when the coder gets off his arse and does it) despite the fact that I know the system from running through it last week. That or I should be constantly revising my test plans, something that I finished within an hour of getting in to work. What was my misdemeanour? Writing a forum post. Admittedly, it was 2000 words on the magic/magick thing for some slacker who hasn't yet read MRev, and it was an hour of constant typing, but even so. The afternoon was spent sneaking furtive reads of /.. I even had the chance to submit a story, but no sign of it so it's probably not been accepted. But what am I to do at work when I'm limited to technical websites and can't even write? Boredom is fucking with my mind and I cannot — will not — allow myself to be bored.

That and disconnection. People around me, people online, drifting away. Finding time online less and less fulfilling so spending less and less time online, so I get less and less time to speak to them so there's less and less reason to speak to them. Which sucks. I'd like to say that I could do what I used to a year ago, spending upwards of 18 hours a day online, but now my time online's all I have to myself. There's no option of not being online, as the only people I could go out with are my family (who I am fucking sick of) and the people I work with (who I do not know well enough to want to socialise with). So the world finds itself drifting offlne, and I'm the hoary old bastard that it's leaving behind, sat here with my old-fashioned long hair (so early 90s), my old fashioned eyebrow piercing (so turn of the century) and old fashion sense (all-black Goth was so mid-80s), nursing my old-fashioned internet addiction. Cherishing the seconds I get to myself and cursing myself over the friends that've vanished or will soon. The old drunk sat at the back of the pub thinking it's still his day even though his mates are long gone and pints are no longer an old sixpence each.

Yeah. I need something to sort my head, and soon.


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Jan. 20th, 2004 04:13 pm (UTC)
All-black isn't that bad...
...and damn what anyone else might think about it :)

It's funny that you should mention friends vanishing because I've been feeling that same thing in the past year or so. It just seems that as my friends and I have moved onto jobs/marriages/criminal careers or whatever we just don't have the time for each other anymore.

I know many of the old folks out there will probably tell me that it's just "one of those things" that happens when you meet the real world but it still doesn't feel right.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 20th, 2004 07:17 pm (UTC)

Yeah. I miss talking to you, Stew. Honestly, I do. I'll try to get up before dusk sometime an' talk atcha... (I swear to God, I'm turning into a nocturnal creature...)

Hang in there.
Jan. 20th, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, you hoary old bastard, I love you for being a hoary old bastard. Always have and always will.

It frustrates me a lot that I never seem to have much time to visit my E-Friends these days. I'm so in debt that I scarf down as many hours as I can at work, and it just doesn't seem to be anything more than the financial equivalent of treading water. And outside of work it's pretty much radio free brattleboro. It's a harsh thing to know that if I don't give that cause my time, something beautiful and unique will vanish from the world and never be replaced.

And yet...and yet here I am, up late when I have to go to work very early tomorrow, and I'm still reading and responding to your journal when by all rights I should be asleep.

I try Stew. I try.
Jan. 21st, 2004 11:14 am (UTC)
I wouldn't say you're all so much old fashioned as you just have your own thing. Various fashions have come and gone, touching your style for a bit, but that's irrelevant. Anyone who pisses on all black can deal with it, as my normal non-work winter clothing has a good deal of black. It's utilitarian, not a fashion statement.

As for being bored at work, you're not alone. I read an article recently on the number of "actively disengaged" people at work these days. It's a high number, as frankly most work just isn't challenging. You're probably only getting chastised because you're new. It seems to be a rite of passage in the corporate world to get in trouble at first for doing things everyone else does anyway. With time, once you prove yourself, you'll probably be fine.

Granted, I'm in a very large company, so I might slip through the cracks more often, but there really is only so much you can do. When you're waiting on someone, well, you're waiting. It's just how it is. If you keep doing busywork to pass time in a way that's "good for the company", you'll more likely just burn yourself out for when you need to do real work.

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